The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: How To Get Over Heart Break

December 4, 2005

How To Get Over Heart Break

Cry every day. Do not be ashamed of this. Convince yourself that every tear you shed is simply practice in being that girl who is beautiful in her vulnerability. Ignore the fact that every time you cry your face becomes red and puffy like a summer tomato. Six o' clock in the evening will be the witching hour for you. You will spontaneously cry at that hour, no matter where you are. Often you'll still be at work. Know that your co-workers are looking at you with both curiosity and concern. Say nothing. Let everyone believe that you are merely stressed.

Cook elaborate meals that you will not eat. Use ingredients such as purple basil, arugula, caramelized onions and goat cheese. Go through a tart phase, a bread phase, a pasta phase, a baked good phase. Bring your creations into the office. Everyone will compliment you, want to know what magic you weld in the kitchen. Smile. Say nothing. No one needs to know that what you really miss is cooking for him.

Run for miles. Consider, as you literally put one foot in front of the other, this as a metaphor for moving on. With every step tell yourself that no one is wondering, regretting or missing you. As you feel the sweat drip down your brow, tell yourself there is nothing to wonder about, nothing to regret, nothing to miss. Hope that your muscles will ache more than your heart. When your friends pat you on your back for your healthy lifestyle, say nothing. Don't forget to delete that song from Coldplay from your iPod. It will make you remember sitting in the passenger seat of his car, watching the sun set over the highway, wondering if this moment of perfection was really meant for you and when it will all come to an end.

Play lots of poker. Even though you are the only woman in this group, these men will have no romantic interest in you. For this you will be grateful. This will be your healing place. You can show up with no make up and a ratty t-shirt after having cried in your car on the way to the game. No one will mind. No one will expect you to be witty, charming or feminine. In fact, no one will even notice that you are a woman. Listen as the conversation flies back and forth without you. Say nothing. Soon these men will say things that they would never say in the presence of a woman. These will be funny things that will shed a lot of light on the minds of men. Occasionally, remind them of your presence by taking all their money.

Dance in your apartment, sometimes, wear clothes. This will drive out the voices that taunt you about how if you were thinner, prettier, sexier, more confident, less fearful, he wouldn't have lost interest. Hate yourself for believing those lies. Eventually, hate him for telling them. Your dancing will turn from protest to lifeblood. One day, you will realize that your blinds aren't drawn shut. In fact, they haven't been shut for months. When you see your neighbor who lives across the street at the neighborhood grocery store, say nothing.

Play music loudly in your car. Open your sun roof, roll down your windows, drive down the highway as fast as Los Angeles traffic will allow you. Agree with The Rolling Stones that love is a bitch at the top of your lungs. Rock out in the drivers' seat. When you catch the eye of the driver in the next car, smile broadly and keep doing what you're doing. Say nothing.

Go out with somebody completely inappropriate. Ride in his beautiful, old car and head to the ocean. Take off your shoes and sit on the hood of his car, your legs dangling, leaning back on your elbows. Give him a look that is full of mischief and challenge. When he comes towards you, shaking his head in disbelief, grab his hand. Laugh as you pull him towards the beach. Run through the sand. He will chase you. Let him catch you. Stand under the full moon and smile sweetly. Let him kiss you, softly at first, and then with a lot more hunger. Let him run his hands down through your hair and down your back. Let him run his lips down your neck and over your shoulders. Tremble ever so slightly then make that noise that is a cross between a sigh and a murmur. When he pulls away and looks at you, throw your head back and howl at the moon. Say nothing. Let this be your new memory of moonlight, sand and ocean at night.

When you next see The Ex at a party, do not look at him. Under no circumstance should you make eye contact. One look will freeze you, immobilize you, turn you into a pillar of salt. Instead, turn your back on him. Say nothing. Laugh as if you do not have a care in the world. You do not have a care in the world.

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