The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: Form Letter To Single Wedding Guests

October 19, 2006

Form Letter To Single Wedding Guests

Please select where appropriate and enclose with invitation.

Dear Singleton:

Due to the rising costs of our wedding we

a. Regret that we cannot accommodate you bringing a date
b. Expect that you finish everything on your plate
c. Hope that you will bring leftover rolls home in your purse

As per your request, however, we have seated you with

a. The Only Other Singleton in attendance
b. Your friends so that you may mock the DJ together
c. Uncle Bob who will stare at your chest and make you feel strange and/or strangely flattered

For your convenience, we have provided an open bar so that you may

a. Get The Only Other Singleton drunk on our dime
b. Flirt with the cute but ambiguously gay bartender uninhibited
c. Drink to forget that we are having sex tonight whereas you are not

We apologize that

a. The DJ will inevitably play both The Electric Slide and The Chicken Dance
b. The Only Other Singleton will be a bad dancer
c. One of our relatives will try to grind with you

Dessert and coffee will be served in the other room so that you may

a. Have an excuse to leave the room when the bride throws the bouquet
b. Have an easy escape after the awkward dance/conversation/eye contact with The Only Other Singleton
c. Eat your emotions unobserved

Please know that we appreciate your coming to this celebration since this day has everything to do with us and very little to do with you. We are honored that, despite the fact that weddings are notoriously absurd and awkward for Singletons, you have chosen to share in our joyous moment.

Yours sincerely,
The Bride And The Groom

No comments: