These Days

These days, I reflect. I think about the whys and why nots. Why do events in our lives turn out the way the do, or why do they not? I wonder about the hows. How does this work? How can it be? I ponder the whens. When did this happen? When will this stop? But most of all, I struggle with the whats. What does this mean? What is God trying to do here?

These days are simple yet complicated. Simple because I wake up and go into my routine. Get ready for work, stop at a Starbucks, work all day making phone calls, sending e-mails and organizing data. In the evenings, I run errands or meet friends, watch some television and go to bed. Complicated because between moments of routine, pain, confusion and sorrow inevitably leak out of me. Complicated, because I walk the line every day between the routine that keeps me functional – eating, sleeping, working so I can pay the bills, and the routine that merely masks all uncomfortable emotions.

These days I try not to miss the past. This past creeps up on me when I least expect it. It comes in the form of a song, a restaurant or a sunset. The problem about the past is that it is exactly just that – past, something of before, something that will not return. These days, I’m realizing that the past may haunt but it will not come back.

These days I find things to do that will occupy my mind space. Math helps, as do games like scrabble and poker. I try to find tasks at which I know I will be successful, or that I can master easily. These days, it is too hard to risk failure. These days, I find myself just ever so slightly more fearful.

These days I am grateful for laughter, sunshine and fresh air. It reminds me that there is still much life to be enjoyed. That I am still allowed to lift my face to the sky, breathe deeply and laugh one of those laughs that come from deep within my belly. There’s not much that strikes me as funny these days, but every now and then there’s that one thing that’s so ridiculous, or witty, or incredulous that I cannot help but laugh. And when I do, I begin to feel like these days will eventually pass and there will be other days, better days, days with hope, days with a future.