The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: This Is Depression?

May 18, 2009

This Is Depression?

Depression is an ugly, sneaky animal. It crept up on me this time, when I least expected it. Maybe it's just my age, or my general tiredness. But for the first time in my adult life, I find myself unable to "shake it off."

The symptoms frighten me. I understand gloom. I understand tears. I even understand hopelessness. It's the weariness that I didn't expect. Or the headaches. Or the back aches. Or the loss of appetite. Or the desire to just curl into a small ball and go to sleep. Or the sitting on the floor in your room staring at the closet as tears stream down your face, and knowing that you have to get dressed, but being completely unable to summon the will to move.

But what I dislike most is the anxiety each morning. That squeezing of the chest, that shallowness of breathing, that thought that it's going to be one more long day feeling like this. That part of depression I can do without.

I try to think about the great poets, writers and artists that suffer from depression. Vincent Van Gough, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemmingway. Depression and creativity seem inexplicably linked. Maybe I'll get a novel out of this. Or draw stick figures on a restaurant napkin.

Thankfully, I'm not about to stick my head in the oven. I'm not even planning on cutting my ear off. Somewhere in here, beneath the palor of sadness, I'm still in here. I'm summoning the strength to clamor out. But since the walls are slippery and my grip is weak, it might be awhile.


Anonymous said...

If I could through you a rope I would.

aartilla the fun said...

i know the last thing you want to hear right now is that a silly little book can help BUT... when i was struggling with depression (but didn't really know it), bren's mum sent me a book called "get out of that pit!". i thought it was a little presumptive to send me a book about depression, but i read it. i didn't even finish it all, because by the time i got to the second chapter it had really helped me get a handle on my sadness. i gave away my copy but maybe if you're near a bookstore...?