Mornings

There's that moment between sleeping and waking that is perhaps the purest moment of the day. In this moment, I am most vulnerable, I use this time to pray, cry out to God. In this moment, my heart is unfettered by fear, unfettered by doubts of whether my motives are pure, if what I'm praying for is indeed for the "greater good" or "what God wants for me." In this moment, I just talk to God like a child who believes that her Father listens.

The moment between sleeping and waking is also perhaps one of the cruelest moments of my day. Because in that moment, as my body rouses from sleep, my mind hasn't entered the reality of my day or, my situation. For that one moment, everything seems perfect, nothing seems broken, for that one moment it's like everything that once was still exists.

And then I fully awake, and reality sets in. My heart sinks. It's in that moment of great disappointment that I make my decision. Do I mourn, or do I pray?

These mornings, I do both. I don't quite wake up praising God, but rather, crying out for mercy. Mercy over my day, mercy over my body, mercy over my spirit. Most days, all I want is for God to ease the shallow breathing, racing heart, and back pain. Everything else I consider icing on the cake. Everything else, I can wait for Very Expensive Therapy to process through.

I know the Bible has lots to say about mornings. I can't imagine that the Bible greats like David or the prophets didn't wake up crying out for God as well. So rather than say "mercy, mercy, mercy" over and over again, I decided to let Scripture do the crying out for me. Here's my new favorite for the morning:

Lamentations (yeah, I know...) 3: 19-25
Remember my affliction and wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers and is bowed within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, the the person who seeks Him.

Affliction? Check! Wandering, wormwood, bitterness? Check, check and check!

But more importantly, the writer of Lamentations is correct, the Lord's lovingkindesses never cease. He never fails to have compassion over me. I'm seeking and waiting... and He promises to be good to me.