Men Need To Stop Telling Me They Have To Pee

This week alone, two men have told me, completely unsolicited, that they either:

A. Are about to go pee
B. Are actually peeing
C. Have finished peeing

Now, if it were just one guy, I would chalk it up to his social inadequacy. When it's TWO guys, in the span of the same week, I have to start wondering, "What is it about me that makes you think it's ok to share your bathroom activities with me?"

Maybe I'm just a comforting, relaxing presence. Maybe I bring forth images of waterfalls, fountains and running water. Maybe I'm just around guys who have really tiny bladders. Whatever it is, men, left and right are telling me they have to pee.

Men, here's a clue. If I didn't ask you and you tell me you have to pee, and I look at you funny, or make a noise that sounds like, "Ew," or God-forbid are telling you directly, "I don't want to know that" it is a sign for you to STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY. By all means, please go pee. I just don't want to know.

Now, I know you see me as your "friend." So you're thinking, "Oh, she's just my friend, I don't need to impress her." Agreed. You do not need to impress me, but you also do not have to gross me out.

Me being your friend is all the more reason for you NOT TO TELL ME YOU HAVE TO PEE. Friends don't need to know your bathroom activities. This friend, in particular, really doesn't want to know.

It's not that I'm a prude. It's not that I find you disgusting. It's just that I really don't want to have a picture in my head of you peeing. I don't want to think of you peeing in the bathroom, in the woods or in the street. And no, telling me that you wash your hands afterwards does not make this better.

In the bathroom habits arena, let's just practice the Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell policy shall we?