The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: Adventures in Forgiveness

February 19, 2009

Adventures in Forgiveness

I started 2009 knowing that I would have to work on forgiveness this year. Whom I am to forgive this year is very clear, it is the how and the when that is more murky.

I've pondered about how I came to forgive the other people in my life that had disappointed me. In those situations forgiveness came slowly and over time. It involved me getting angry, getting sad, mourning over loss, over hopes ended, over what could never be. It involved me putting down my expectations of how things should be, my false belief that life should be inherently fair, and my self-righteous expectation that just because I had worked on my issues, I somehow shouldn't have to reap the consequences of someone else's unhealthy behavior. Once I was able to weep, mourn, and let go, I was also able to forgive.

I know what I have to do. In fact, I've done it before. And yet, there is some small part of me that just wants to smack the Offending Party upside the head. Just once. And then yell, "What the hell were you thinking, buddy?"

Despite all the wise counsel insisting that I wouldn't feel any better, I really think that one good smack would make me feel tonnes better. I think it would be satisfying. I think I would be quite delighted. I think it might bring closure. I even daresay that it may move the forgiveness process along nicely.

It's just a thought. A thought that creeps in every now and then. A thought that I know is so very wrong. But a thought, nonetheless, that makes me sort of happy.

I'd never do it, of course. Of course, I would never actually slap anyone, no matter how much they have hurt me. Of course, I will continue to pray, to mourn, to weep, to give up the hurt to God. Of course, I will continue to meditate upon scripture, continue to try and hear God's voice, continue to move forward.

But, every now and then, I think about how the palm of my hand can connect to that head, the satisfaction of hearing the smack that echoes across the room, the pleasure of watching the snap of that head moving forward from the momentum. Every now and then, I think about those things. And it makes me smile, ever so very slightly.

1 comment:

Leah said...

Ha - ha. Makes me smile too.