The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: Today Is A Bad Day

May 28, 2009

Today Is A Bad Day

I'll just have to admit it. Today is a bad day.

I usually have a 20 minute window between waking and being fully awake and functioning before the full impact of feeling lousy hits. I don't think I got that today.

I started crying in the car, on the way to work. I don't think I've quite stopped since. I couldn't even tell you what started the downward spiral. Sometimes I'm able to pinpoint what brings it on -- a particularly poignant dream, the thought of another day feeling bad. Today, nothing. I just woke up like this.

I've been struggling with what are issues that I've always struggled with throughout my life, now magnified by a stressful Los Angeles life, and what are just usual symptoms of depression. I've been feeling particularly lousy about myself these days, more so than I've felt in years. I'm surprised at these thoughts, I haven't had these thoughts in years, and when I do, I usually am able to reject these thoughts easily. Now, I find myself not really believing these thoughts, but just letting them linger. And then I feel bad for letting them linger, or having these thoughts at all.

I've been reading up about depression, just because I'm naturally curious. On WebMD, I found two symptoms of depression I found "comforting" if you will:

  • Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
  • Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt
It's not like this is good news per se. I'm still feeling hopeless, worthless, and guilty. However, it's a little comforting to know this isn't completely some unresolved issue I haven't been able to overcome. It's one of the facets of depression. It too will pass.

But on a bad day, like this one, all I want to do is curl into a fetal position and cry.

1 comment:

aartilla the fun said...

hon... i'm worried about you. and at the risk of sounding like a "crazy" christian, i feel like i need to tell you that none of these feelings are what God intended for you. i really believe that depression is a form of attack from the enemy (there i said it). if you haven't done so already, may i be so bold as to suggest that you go get prayer at vcfw? also, i found this site -- it has some really helpful verses:

fight back!