I.V.

Last week, The Therapist and I did an aural questionnaire. I didn't see the official title, but I suspect it must have been called, "Is It Clinical Depression?" We went through a list of questions that included things like, "How's your appetite?" (Not good), "How often do you cry?" (Oh, every three hours), "How's your sleeping?" (I would like to sleep all the time), "How long has this been going on?" (Probably February).

When we were done with all the questions, there was a pause. The Therapist goes, "How do you feel about anti-depressants?"

If it hadn't been my very expensive therapy session, my life, my despair, I would have laughed. At least The Therapist has impeccable comic timing.

I didn't take the drugs.

Today, my soul will not settle. My breathing is shallow at best, and my chest is tight. Again, I didn't get my 20 minutes of sanity. I was barely awake when I knew -- today is going to be tough.

It's days like these I regret I don't have an arsenal of scripture that I've committed to memory. Psalms, Proverbs, passages from Isaiah. Anything to soothe me. I rely instead on Biblegateway.com and their passage of the day.

Today, it's Revelations 21: 2-4. I won't quote it here, but suffice to say it ends with the sentences, "They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” This time it happened to be appropriate. Other days, it's sort of a biblical roulette.

I copied the verses into my journal. I reflected on the idea of God being with me. I know He's here somewhere. I'm not feeling it though. It doesn't change the fact that He is, that much I realize.

What I'd really like is a consistent flow of scripture into my head. A biblical I.V. if you will. I want it just pumped into me as I go about my day. Actually, I want it pumped into me as I lay on my couch. But since I have to go to work in order to pay for The Very Expensive Therapy, I'll settle for throughout my workday instead.

Perhaps I'll invest in a Bible on MP3 or something and play the chapters of Leviticus as I churn out graphs and charts during my work day. I'm sure that would lift my soul.