The Absurd and Amazing Adventures of Cafe Girl: Let's Talk About Dating

October 9, 2009

Let's Talk About Dating

I've always been very hesitant about writing about my adventures or thoughts about dating -- which, ironically, have been both absurd and amazing. I hesitate for a variety of reasons, both valid and ridiculous.

Valid Reason #1 - This isn't an anonymous blog.
Ergo, some of you know who I am and quite possibly, the person I'm seeing. It's one thing for strangers who never interact with me or the man I'm with to form opinions both valid and incorrect. However, it's completely different for the people that know me and him to form opinions based on something I wrote about. As a writer, I take the responsibility and risk that whatever I write will solicit some feeling, opinion, or judgement by someone. The poor guy I'm with, however, didn't sign up to have his life on display.

Valid Reason #2 - These are people we're dealing with here.
I've always held the view that it is an honor to date someone. Not because I'm not worthy or undeserving and must grovel for the opportunity to be in a relationship, but because it is an honor to be allowed into someone's life, to get a glimpse of someone's heart, to see who they really are. I honestly believe this whether it's a 14-month relationship, or a 4 hour date. I've been on first dates where someone told me more about his life than someone I'd dated for over a year. When someone takes that risk to let you in, it's sacred and I really respect that. So the last thing I need to do is post on a blog about how ridiculous it was for him to order that big, pink drink, or how cute his ass was.

Valid Reason #3 - There are always two sides to every story.
So it went well - or so I thought. So he was a douchebag - or so I thought. So he was completely wrong - or so I thought. The blog is my forum, my voice, my point of view. It's easy for me to paint a picture of me as the perfect victim of some cruel guy who didn't realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. In reality, the men I date will have their own point of view, their own reasons for why things were, their own version of the story. Just because I have the blog and can craft a great paragraph doesn't mean I have the last say in what actually happened. I know I'm not alone when I say, I want to be right, all the time. It's impossible to be right all the time. It's easy, however, when you have a blog to insist that you are.

Valid Reason #4 - It is freaky to have your life on display.
I crafted this blog, so I'm ok with putting myself out in the cyberworld. But every now and then, I'm still surprised at how much people get to know about me. Both men I've been in long-term relationships with have told me how scary it is to think that each mistake on their part will get splashed onto this blog. I personally would never slander on this blog, or use it as a forum for complaining about my significant other, but I absolutely see where they are coming from. This is why when I'm dating, blog posts go way down.

And now, for the ridiculous reasons. Please save your protests until the end. I understand these are ridiculous and likely untrue reasons. I'm just saying that's what I struggle with.

Ridiculous Reason #1 - If guys think I date a lot, no one will ask me out.
I have my mother to thank for that, because she seems to think that women who date a lot are somehow desperate. On a more practical level, I fear that if word gets around that I date a lot, or at all, either guys will think I'm already seeing someone and won't ask, or that I'm some flirty chick who isn't serious about relationships.

Ridiculous Reason #2 - If I write with conviction about dating, it'll be too intimidating to ask me out.
I have opinions, ok? Lots of them. It's one thing to say them out loud, it's another thing to have them in writing. I'm not saying my opinions are the here all and end all of the discussion, but it's only natural to assume I'm set in these opinions because I've written them down and published them in cyberspace. Like it or not, men will form an opinion of me from this blog that could be quite different from simply meeting me in person at a party. In some ways, the blog is insight into my heart. It could be great. Or it could be very bad.

Ridiculous Reason #3 - If, as a woman, I say I want to be dating someone and admit that I have put in place methods and tools to try and expand my dating pool, then I'm not that quiet, submissive little thing that waits patiently for God to move.
Let's face it. If a guy wants some sort of dating relationship, goes out and pursues it, he becomes more attractive. A woman who does the same thing is given mixed reviews. Surely she should wait to be pursued, surely she should have faith God will bring the Right One, surely she should quietly present her requests to God in a Holy Whisper instead of splashing it across her blog. Everyone, gasp in horror, this woman not only wants to date, she isn't afraid of saying so. Men, run into the house and close the doors, SHE WANTS YOU.

Ok, being slightly facetious over here. But this is why I so rarely talk about dating, or the kind of relationship I hope for, or even, what God seems to be molding in me about what I want in a relationship.

I'm thinking that I want this to change.

One of the things I hold in very high value is honesty, mostly honesty about who I am. If I am an honest person, then the woman you meet on this blog shouldn't be too different from the woman you meet in real life. Sure, there's a little bit of artistic license, and I want to protect the identities of the innocent, but there should be nothing in my heart that I am too ashamed to share. And there is certainly nothing about my personality and opinions that I should be ashamed of. So men will see who I really am. Imagine that. I believe this is a good thing. It'll be a nice little self-selecting tool, if you will.

So let's go ahead and talk about dating. But before we do, I'll put the following rules in place to reassure any potential suitors:

1. I will never slander or bitch about you, the man I date. I don't do that when I ponder friendships on this blog, I won't do that when I ponder dating on this blog. Your identity will always remain confidential, as will the details of your life and what you tell me. And I will never put anything on this blog that I wouldn't say to your face.

2. I will focus on me. How I feel, what I think, where my heart is. If there's any time any of those things are negative, I will be very clear that these are my struggles, my issues, my opinions, my baggage.

3. When in doubt on whether to post about you, I will seek your permission. I will not argue if you veto.

4. I promise to make you, the man I date, just that much cuter and sexier than in real life. There are a few benefits of dating a writer who knows how to write.

So away we go... absurd and amazing dating adventures are on their way.


The Relationship Company said...

Keep blogging! Do you have anymore articles similar to this?

Absurdcafegirl said...

I actually do have articles like this throughout my blog. Would you like me to send you some links?