I'm Pretty Sure I'll Be Going To Hell For This

As a general rule, I try not to make fun of those who get in touch with me on the Romantic Internets. Whether you've chatted with me online, written me a note, or visited my profile, I try to find something interesting and unique about you. Even if I have no interest, even if you are completely not my type, even if you are way too old or way too young for me, I respect the fact that you got in touch. It's sweet, it's nice that you took the risk. I truly appreciate that.

But every now and then, I get these absurd gems that make me go, "What the..."

For awhile now, I've been keeping these stories to myself and a small group of select women who are walking this journey of dating with me. Recently, however, I've been getting more than absurd gems. I've been getting comedic gold. I'm stunned because each encounter seems to trump the next. So here I am, sharing them with you. Because, to be honest, these are just too good to keep to myself.

Comedic Gold #1 - The Late Night IMs
Granted, I shouldn't be online at midnight because nothing decent happens after 11PM whether online or in real life. But on the other hand, no one should be chatting me up like this, no matter what hour of the night. Oh, and I didn't edit a single spelling error, but I did take out the "f" word because I don't want some online bot crawling this site and spamming me with porn.

NameDeletedforHisSake: hi

AbusrdCafeGirl: Hello

NameDeletedforHisSake: hi

AbsurdCafeGirl: How's it going?

NameDeletedforHisSake: giid

NameDeletedforHisSake: u ?

AbsurdCafeGirl: Not bad

AbsurdCafeGirl: You look awfully familiar?

NameDeletedforHisSake: good

NameDeletedforHisSake: really?

AbsurdCafeGirl: Where have I seen you before?

NameDeletedforHisSake: maybe

AbsurdCafeGirl: So... what do you do?

NameDeletedforHisSake: i am horny?

AbsurdCafeGirl: Is that a question? And also, horny is what you do for a living?

NameDeletedforHisSake: student

AbsurdCafeGirl: Horny student...

NameDeletedforHisSake: yes

AbsurdCafeGirl: Good lord, that's like a bad porn movie waiting to happen

AbsurdCafeGirl: LOL

NameDeletedforHisSake: absolutelly

AbsurdCafeGirl: SOrry, babe, you're too young for me. I'm sure you'll be entertaining... But you're too young

NameDeletedforHisSake: but i can f*** u good

AbsurdCafeGirl: Oh I'm sure you're wonderful. But I don't do young guys

NameDeletedforHisSake: ok good night

AbsurdCafeGirl: Nite

Before you start e-mailing me with comments, let me just say for the record that "I don't do young guys" is just a line that I use for comedic purposes. In no way, shape or form am I ever going to accept a late night booty call. Or any booty call at all.
But wait, there's more! The next night...

NameDeletedforHisSake: hi

AbsurdCafeGirl: Yeah, dude. You talked to me last night.
AbsurdCafeGirl: If you're horny. No dice
NameDeletedforHisSake: no dice?
AbsurdCafeGirl: No dice, no go, no
AbsurdCafeGirl: no, no, no
NameDeletedforHisSake: ok

The late night dirty IMs aren't always so long drawn out. Here's my favorite - short, and to the point:
NoNameUser: down fuk?

And, tonight, as I was composing this blog post:
DeletedUserName: hey there, up for some webcam fun?

Comedic Gold #2: Erm.. ok...
Sometimes, I get messages that leave me no way to respond simply because they say absolutely nothing. What am I supposed to say to this?

Wink.
And when I wrote back asking that he tell me more about himself, I got this response:

Happy Holidays!
I know I'm a writer and all, but a girl's got to have something to work with. I can't conjure up a whole correspondence out of nothing. I'm bright, sociable and a pretty strong conversationalist but I'm not a magician.


Comedic Gold #3: No, really... it's fine if you just moved along
Background: My profile indicates that I like to play poker. Also, I'm clear that I'm not looking for a long distance relationship. And yes, I do actually want four kids. Seriously. This is the note I get one morning:

Hello from Phoenix Arizona,
Wow! So you want 4 kids. God bless you.
Stop gambling and tithe and have faith in the Lord.
God bless,
P.S.
Your photos are nice.

Did he just call me a faithless gambler who is withholding my first fruits from my God? I think he did. I'm not sure what his motivation was to send me this note. Maybe he felt moved to correct my sinful, gambling ways. Maybe he was practicing the compliment sandwich technique favored by corporate trainers - give a compliment (wow, 4 kids, God bless you), make a criticism (Stop gambling, tithe, have faith), close with a compliment (Your photos are nice). My favorite part of this whole note is how this man thinks gambling is a problem, but somehow has no issue about passing judgment on my heart and, apparently, my appearance.


Comedic Gold #4: What Not To Say
Please note: If your wife has passed away, please do not say, in response to the profile question, how did your last relationship end: It was lovely, too bad she's dead. Because my next question is going to be - did you kill her?


Comedic Gold #5: Leave Your Fetishes For... Never
If you're listing your fetishes along with your desire for a woman who has good values and loves Jesus, I'm going to take a leap here and say you might be a little conflicted about what you want. I'm also going to say that you might be scaring away the Jesus-loving ladies with the aforementioned good values if you indicate in your profile that you want to spank them when they've been bad. And, by the way, I saw your profile pictures and in no way would people describe your looks as "stunning."

Yeah, I know. I've been quite mean. I'm going straight to hell for this post. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. And there's going to be a special Single Hell for people like me who have been wicked about others. Single Hell is going to be filled with beautiful people who won't talk to you, but if they do, will end every sentence with the inflection of a question. I'm going to go get a drink? This is so much fun? (I would make a joke about LA here, but I'm going to choose to avoid the cliche.)

All, however, is fair in the world of the Romantic Internets. Who's to say the guys who have gotten notes from me haven't rolled their eyes and declared themselves out of my league? Who's to say there isn't some dude equivalent of me out there in the bloggersphere making fun of my attempts to be bright, witty and funny in my online sojourns?

If you're out there, Dude Equivalent of Me, raise your hand. I'd love to meet you. We can have a cup of coffee and LMAO at this crazy thing called the Romantic Internets.

And hey, if I don't see you around, I'm sure I'll see you in Single Hell?