But every now and then, I get these absurd gems that make me go, "What the..."
For awhile now, I've been keeping these stories to myself and a small group of select women who are walking this journey of dating with me. Recently, however, I've been getting more than absurd gems. I've been getting comedic gold. I'm stunned because each encounter seems to trump the next. So here I am, sharing them with you. Because, to be honest, these are just too good to keep to myself.
Comedic Gold #1 - The Late Night IMs
Granted, I shouldn't be online at midnight because nothing decent happens after 11PM whether online or in real life. But on the other hand, no one should be chatting me up like this, no matter what hour of the night. Oh, and I didn't edit a single spelling error, but I did take out the "f" word because I don't want some online bot crawling this site and spamming me with porn.
AbusrdCafeGirl: Hello
: hi
AbsurdCafeGirl: How's it going?
: giid
: u ?
AbsurdCafeGirl: Not bad
NameDeletedforHisSake: good
NameDeletedforHisSake: really?
AbsurdCafeGirl: So... what do you do?
AbsurdCafeGirl: Is that a question? And also, horny is what you do for a living?
AbsurdCafeGirl: Horny student...
: but i can f*** u good
AbsurdCafeGirl: Oh I'm sure you're wonderful. But I don't do young guys
: ok good night
But wait, there's more! The next night...
AbsurdCafeGirl: If you're horny. No dice
: no dice?
: No dice, no go, no
no, no, no
ok
And, tonight, as I was composing this blog post:
: hey there, up for some webcam fun?
Comedic Gold #2: Erm.. ok...
Sometimes, I get messages that leave me no way to respond simply because they say absolutely nothing. What am I supposed to say to this?
Wink.
And when I wrote back asking that he tell me more about himself, I got this response:
Happy Holidays!
I know I'm a writer and all, but a girl's got to have something to work with. I can't conjure up a whole correspondence out of nothing. I'm bright, sociable and a pretty strong conversationalist but I'm not a magician.
Comedic Gold #3: No, really... it's fine if you just moved along
Background: My profile indicates that I like to play poker. Also, I'm clear that I'm not looking for a long distance relationship. And yes, I do actually want four kids. Seriously. This is the note I get one morning:
Hello from Phoenix Arizona,
Wow! So you want 4 kids. God bless you.
Stop gambling and tithe and have faith in the Lord.
God bless,
P.S.
Your photos are nice.
Did he just call me a faithless gambler who is withholding my first fruits from my God? I think he did. I'm not sure what his motivation was to send me this note. Maybe he felt moved to correct my sinful, gambling ways. Maybe he was practicing the compliment sandwich technique favored by corporate trainers - give a compliment (wow, 4 kids, God bless you), make a criticism (Stop gambling, tithe, have faith), close with a compliment (Your photos are nice). My favorite part of this whole note is how this man thinks gambling is a problem, but somehow has no issue about passing judgment on my heart and, apparently, my appearance.
Comedic Gold #4: What Not To Say
Please note: If your wife has passed away, please do not say, in response to the profile question, how did your last relationship end: It was lovely, too bad she's dead. Because my next question is going to be - did you kill her?
Comedic Gold #5: Leave Your Fetishes For... Never
If you're listing your fetishes along with your desire for a woman who has good values and loves Jesus, I'm going to take a leap here and say you might be a little conflicted about what you want. I'm also going to say that you might be scaring away the Jesus-loving ladies with the aforementioned good values if you indicate in your profile that you want to spank them when they've been bad. And, by the way, I saw your profile pictures and in no way would people describe your looks as "stunning."
Yeah, I know. I've been quite mean. I'm going straight to hell for this post. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. And there's going to be a special Single Hell for people like me who have been wicked about others. Single Hell is going to be filled with beautiful people who won't talk to you, but if they do, will end every sentence with the inflection of a question. I'm going to go get a drink? This is so much fun? (I would make a joke about LA here, but I'm going to choose to avoid the cliche.)
All, however, is fair in the world of the Romantic Internets. Who's to say the guys who have gotten notes from me haven't rolled their eyes and declared themselves out of my league? Who's to say there isn't some dude equivalent of me out there in the bloggersphere making fun of my attempts to be bright, witty and funny in my online sojourns?
If you're out there, Dude Equivalent of Me, raise your hand. I'd love to meet you. We can have a cup of coffee and LMAO at this crazy thing called the Romantic Internets.
And hey, if I don't see you around, I'm sure I'll see you in Single Hell?
1 comment:
Very entertaining read, thank you - and a sad demonstration of how far the "boundless liberty" of the cyberworld can uncover our ground zero baseness.
Call me on . . . (for a real good time) LOL
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